Once upon a time, in the Disunited States, there was an evil man known as Trumplestiltskin. Trumplestiltskin wasn’t your typical evil sorcerer. No, no. He was a master manipulator, a con artist extraordinaire, who had a dream bigger than any castle he could build: to become the Supreme Resident of the Disunited States, for all eternity. And how would he accomplish this mighty feat? Simple. With a little help from his friend e-Long Muskrat, a tech billionaire with all the charm of a wet cardboard box and the personal warmth of a sauna in hell.

Trumplestiltskin, always looking for a shortcut to power, struck a deal with Muskrat. The deal was straightforward—Muskrat would use his talents to spin lies into truths, turn dross into gold, and ultimately persuade the gullible masses to crown Trumplestiltskin King (well, Supreme Resident) in perpetuity. For Muskrat’s part, all he had to do was keep spinning out shiny distractions—be it his bizarre social media rants, or his poorly-designed electric cars masquerading as “the future of humanity.”

With their partnership forged, Trumplestiltskin began his reign of terror, which mostly involved stomping around in gold-plated shoes, tweeting about fake news, and building an elaborate tower that no one could actually afford to live in. But what truly set him apart was his masterful manipulation of public perception, aided by the seemingly otherworldly powers of Muskrat, who could transform a lie into an absolute certainty.

The Great Spin Machine

Muskrat, whose spin was so well-practiced that he could convince an entire nation to believe that Mars was somehow more important than saving the planet they were currently standing on, was more than willing to help Trumplestiltskin achieve his dark ambitions. Under the guise of “free speech,” Muskrat’s army of bots and trolls spread his message far and wide, turning baseless conspiracy theories into widely accepted “truths.” Climate change? Just a hoax! Vaccines? They’re a scam! Democracy? Don’t need it when you can just buy the outcome!

With Muskrat’s help, Trumplestiltskin was soon holding press conferences in front of his gold-plated tower, crowing about how “great” the Disunited States had become. Of course, this “greatness” involved a few minor sacrifices, like the rights of women, immigrants, and the environment.

But don’t worry, it got worse.

The Attack on Women and Reproductive Rights

In Trumplestiltskin’s world, women were property, their rights as fleeting as the gold his partner Muskrat kept mining from the earth. With a grin and a slather of makeup, Trumplestiltskin declared war on reproductive rights, pushing through laws that turned back the clock on women’s autonomy. His motto? “Take control… of women’s bodies!”

Oh, the irony—Trumplestiltskin, who had built his empire on the exploitation of everyone from contractors to the middle class, now had a whole new demographic to exploit: the womb.

Immigrants as the New Monsters

Next on the chopping block were the immigrants. They were invaders, according to Trumplestiltskin, “taking our jobs, stealing our way of life,” while Muskrat used his “truth-spinning” abilities to flood the airwaves with stories of criminals, rapists, and terrorists coming across the border (never mind that the actual data told a different story). To make matters worse, the Supreme Resident pushed for a border wall—because nothing says patriotism like an unfinished monument to xenophobia.

All of this, of course, was cheered on by a group of loyal followers who had been fed a steady diet of hatred, fear, and scapegoating. The more Muskrat spun his web of disinformation, the more the masses fell into line, voting for Trumplestiltskin’s continuation in office because, in their eyes, he was the savior of the “real” America.

Climate Change: What Climate Change?

Meanwhile, the planet was dying. Wildfires burned across the land, storms flooded the coasts, and entire ecosystems collapsed into oblivion—but Trumplestiltskin was not bothered. He had bigger things to focus on, like the profit to be made from drilling, fracking, and making backroom deals with fossil fuel giants. After all, as Muskrat had taught him, money solved everything, even if it meant the entire world would eventually burn to ash.

As the oceans rose and the polar ice caps melted, Trumplestiltskin’s only concern was how to profit off of it. “Who cares about the environment when we’ve got gold?” he’d shout in his rallies, as his followers cheered for the billionaire future that Muskrat had promised them.

The Woke Culture Wars

And of course, no story of Trumplestiltskin’s reign would be complete without a full-throated attack on ‘woke’ culture. This particular scapegoating tactic came straight from Muskrat’s playbook, as he twisted the concept of social progress into a monstrous boogeyman that could be used to divide and distract.

“Gender is a construct!” Trumplestiltskin raged, while his followers, fully embraced the binary, believing that equality was somehow an attack on their very being. Every LGBTQ+ victory, every step toward gender equity, every attempt at social justice was framed as part of a shadowy conspiracy designed to destroy the country from within.

No Rainbow, No Happily Ever After

And yet, despite all of this, there were no happy endings. No magical rainbows or kindly fairies to come along and set things right. There were no heroes, no saviors, no sudden shifts in public consciousness.

Trumplestiltskin’s grip on power only tightened as Muskrat kept weaving his spells of misinformation, turning the country into a land of distractions, unable or unwilling to confront the consequences of their actions.

The Disunited States, a land once full of promise, had become a barren wasteland of division, ignorance, and deceit.

And so, in the end, there was no “happily ever after.” Just a never-ending cycle of lies spun into truth, dross into gold, and a nation that was so consumed by its own hatred and confusion that no one—not even the villains themselves—could see what was really happening.

Trumplestiltskin ruled forever, Muskrat’s empire expanded, and the country? Well, the country was left behind, all because of a few empty promises, a twist of fate, and a partnership built on greed and fear.

Moral of the Story:

In a land where lies are spun into “truths” and greed is the only currency, there is no happy ending, no rainbow, and no “winning.” The real magic? It lies in recognizing the power of truth—and in rejecting the tales that are spun to keep us divided. But then again, what do we know? We’re just sitting here, waiting for the next magic spell.

The End. (or is it?)