Sense of humour is required.

Introduction: Strange Bedfellows

Throughout history, humans have been fascinated by the supernatural, particularly those mischievous entities known as demons. From ancient religious texts to modern philosophical treatises, these otherworldly beings have captured our imagination. But what if I told you that the US Commander-in-Chief, the inimitable Donald Trump, shares some curiously amusing parallels with these infernal creatures? Grab your holy water!

Hair-Raising Similarities

1. Supernatural Coiffure

In medieval demonology, particularly in the Dictionnaire Infernal (1818), demons were often depicted with wildly unnatural hair – sometimes flames, sometimes bizarre colours or shapes that defied gravity. Sound familiar? Trump sports a hairstyle that has baffled stylists, physicists, and meteorologists alike. It exists in a quantum state of both being and not being, simultaneously moving yet stationary, defying the natural laws of follicular behaviour. As the 17th-century demonologist Sebastien Michaelis might have noted, “The demon’s appearance often includes peculiarities that mark it as unnatural to this world.”

2. Mysterious Skin Tone

Many ancient texts, including the Ars Goetia, describe demons with unusual skin colouration, often reddish or orange-tinged. Trump’s distinctive hue has sparked countless memes and late-night comedy routines. Medieval illuminated manuscripts showing demons with an otherworldly glow would not look out of place in the White House press room.

Behavioural Parallels

3. Mastery of Confusion

According to the philosopher Descartes, demons (or his “evil genius”) were masters of deception and confusion, capable of making humans doubt even the most fundamental truths. Similarly, Trump has an uncanny ability to create alternative realities through his statements. As political commentator James Fallows once noted, “The point of [his] lies is not to be believed. It is to create a climate in which reality itself is beside the point.”

4. Binding Contracts

Demonological texts frequently mention the importance of contracts and deals in demonic lore. The Pseudomonarchia Daemonum by Johann Weyer (1577) extensively details how demons are obsessed with making binding agreements. Trump, famously known for his book, “The Art of the Deal,” has built his entire persona around his supposed deal-making prowess. From real estate ventures to international diplomacy, the contractual handshake is his modus operandi.

5. Exceptional Pride

In John Milton’s “Paradise Lost,” Satan’s fall from grace stems from his overwhelming pride: “Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.” Religious scholars across traditions identify pride as the quintessential demonic trait. Trump has never been accused of excessive humility, often describing himself in superlative terms that would make Lucifer blush. “Nobody knows [insert any subject here] better than me” is practically a presidential catchphrase.

Linguistic Peculiarities

6. Unique Vocabulary

Medieval grimoires often describe demons speaking in strange tongues or using peculiar vocabulary. Trump’s linguistic innovations – from “covfefe” to “bigly” – have similarly mystified linguists. His syntax sometimes resembles what 17th-century witch hunters might have recorded as evidence of demonic possession – sentences that begin strongly but wander into uncharted grammatical territory, never to return.

7. Renaming Ritual

In occult traditions, knowing a demon’s true name gives power over it. Demons, therefore, are notorious for using multiple names and for renaming those they encounter. Trump’s penchant for creating derogatory nicknames for opponents (“Sleepy Joe,” “Crooked Hillary”) parallels this renaming ritual. The 16th-century text De Praestigiis Daemonum notes that demons “assign new appellations to confuse and control.”

Temporal Anomalies

8. Nocturnal Activity

According to the Malleus Maleficarum, demons are most active during the “witching hours” of night. Trump’s famous 3 AM tweets seem to follow this pattern, with some of his most controversial social media pronouncements occurring when most mortals are asleep. Medieval demonologists would surely have noted this correlation with great interest.

9. Remarkable Stamina

Religious texts from the Book of Enoch to Buddhist demon lore describe supernatural beings as having inexhaustible energy. At 78 years old, Trump maintains a schedule that would exhaust individuals half his age, boasting about requiring minimal sleep. This superhuman stamina would not look out of place in a grimoire’s description of infernal entities.

Conclusion: Divine Comedy

Before anyone reaches for exorcism manuals, wooden stakes or holy water, let’s remember that every political leader throughout history has been compared to supernatural entities – both divine and infernal – by their supporters and detractors.

Still, perhaps keep a bit of garlic handy before the next Trump rally. Just in case.

About the author: This piece was written by someone who still occasionally checks under their bed for both demons and politicians. They currently reside in a bunker lined with satirical literature and are considering a career in comedic exorcism.