Following the excitement being generated by the Conservative Party leadership elections, I’m thinking about joining the Tory party. Obviously Boris Johnson is the favourite to become the new prime minister of the UK, and I really want to fit in, so I’m looking up to him as the role model to copy. Mr Johnson has come out with some racist statements – I believe he called black children “…piccaninnies with watermelon smiles…” and as I work within the NHS among many black friends and colleagues I would hesitate to emulate this behaviour at work. However, evenings and weekends I’m sure I could fit in some casual racism, although living in Dawlish, it’s quite difficult to find black people. But I could make disparaging remarks about the staff of the local Indian restaurant – although, again, I would do this very quietly as the people who run the establishment are really nice and the food is great.

Mr Johnson has also characterised Muslim women as  “…letterboxes and bank robbers…” so I could also squeeze in some weekend Islamophobia in my copious spare time. I would not do this at work as I would not like to offend my caring and compassionate Muslim colleagues, without whom the NHS would collapse. However, in Dawlish I could shout rude words at every letterbox I pass. Unfortunately the last bank in Dawlish closed quite recently, so it is unlikely that I will ever see any local bank robbers, but if I do I’ll shout “Muslim!” at them really loud.

I’m expecting the racism and Islamophobia to take up a lot of my leisure time after my hard working week, so I’m unsure as to when I will be able to fit in the serial lying indulged in by Mr Johnson, but I’m going to make a start by telling everyone in the local pub that Dawlish has been selected to be the next capital of Devon, that unicorns are now living wild on Dartmoor and that the next time Exeter Chiefs play Saracens MI5 will arrest all the Saracens players because they have Muslim sympathies. You only need to look at the badge – the star and crescent moon of Islam, the wearing of the fez by supporters and the distinctly un-Christian wiggling of fingers during penalty kicks and conversions. 

Mr Johnson is a philanderer of truly monstrous proportions, impregnating his secretary, deserting her and then taking out a court injunction to prevent her from naming him as the father of her child. I don’t have a secretary, so I’m wondering if there are any volunteers from the local Conservative Party who would allow me to philander, impregnate and then desert them. I would also obviously  need help with the legal fees as far as court injunctions go.

After all this I’m doubtful that I will have enough time to be as homophobic as Mr Johnson who described gay men as “…bumboys…” and said that same sex marriage was like the partnership between “…three men and a dog…” – but I’m sure I could make an attempt to slander Dawlish’s gay community – however as I know, drink and socialise with many of them, they would probably think that I was having a laugh. I can envisage the conversation:

Me: “Hello mates, I suppose you’d like a gay drink?”

Them: “We’re drinking the same thing you are, you numpty.”

Me: “OK. Three pints then, please barman.”

I would welcome any advice about fitting in all this hatred and bile into my very limited spare time, as I am keen to develop all the bigotry skills necessary to become an active and inspirational member of the Conservative Party. Our local MP, Anne Marie Morris has made a start with her “…ni**er in the woodpile…” remark, but frankly she’s been letting us down on homophobia, Islamophobia and lying as well as never having impregnated anyone. Poor show. I wonder if I could replace her eventually?